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Submitted on
April 24, 2010
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looking for home
bouncing between clusters of stars
possible glimmer ahead
begin approach.
resistance detected.
window is closing.
peel off.
target lost.
                             drifting....
spark detected.
reorient and investigate.
hail on all channels.
awaiting response
               confirm....
                             confirm...
                                           confirmation denied:
                                           contact aborted
resume free fall and conserve power
This poem is simply an attempt to express a person caught in an area in which they feel they are an outsider looking for a group to belong in and feeling like they are alien or unwelcome much like a probe in space. Was the connection to a person visible? could you tell that it was meant to be a person not a probe? Is there did the text seem to be like th readout on a computer screen? My robotic personality intrudes a little here.
:iconthewrittenrevolution:
:iconbeautyinreview:
beautyinreview Featured By Owner May 16, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
I personally like the way that this was written, in the robotic, mechanic form, but it did make it difficult to realize that it was a person. I didn't know that until I read your description. It seems more like an alien or a robot, but that might be an okay thing too, because as you say, being an outsider often feels like you are an alien. It could work, depending on what exactly you wish the reader to take from it.

The last three lines are excellent. They sum up the whole point quite nicely.
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:iconmonstroooo:
monstroooo Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
:iconthewrittenrevolution:

In a geeky sci-fi way, I kinda liked this as a poem about a robot/satellite trying to find its way home.

The clipped language, lack of emotion and dry tone make it read a lot like a computer log. I guess from your comment that this is part your intention, part not.

I didn't really see it a a metaphor for a person though. I can see it there now, but it's not all that clear. A more human touch in there somewhere would bring out that second meaning more. Perhaps literally.

The other approach is to make the "possible glimmer" and "spark" something a bit more tangible. If it detects "contact" or "life form" or "match" instead, I think you'll bring out a little more life.

I'd also advise that the line "window is closing" sticks out a bit - it's too idiomatic for a robot, and doesn't really ring out as a human response, either.
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:iconhourglassman:
HourglassMan Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2010
thank you for your time in giving a detailed response. It is a phrase used by NASA for the time frame in which an operation can be carried out. I was planning edits in a similar fashion and will repost and resubmitt accordingly later. Just wanted to get someone else's perspective
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